Recently I posted a Book Review of Jessia Dilullo Herrin’s book “Find Your Extraordinary” with a promise of a follow up editorial of what this book gave to me.  Well, here it is!

What does “extraordinary” mean?

By dictionary definition, it means: “beyond what is usual, ordinary, regular, or established; exceptional in character, amount, extent, degree, noteworthy or remarkable.”  Figuring out what that meant for me in the context of my own life wasn’t entirely easy, but this book certainly helped me to do that.  This is going to be a bit of a long and personal editorial, so please, bear with me.  I’ve bolded all of the quotes (and there are many) that I found really resonated with me.  I hope that you’ll get to know me a bit better and strive to find your extraordinary, too!

The Entrepreneurial Spirit

The book starts with a discussion of what the entrepreneurial spirit is and how to embrace it.  I’ve always had this spirit and drive myself, and Herrin describes it well when she says: “When I talk about the spirit of an entrepreneur, I’m describing not just me but anyone who wants to take charge of his or her own life.” (p. 8) and goes on to later discuss  how “Earning and saving money was never about things I wanted to buy; it was more about creating options in my life.  I learned early on that, for women especially, money equals freedom of choice.” (p. 55)  This freedom of choice and having the ability to make decisions for myself and take charge of my own future have always been important to me.

I grew up in an entrepreneurial family and saw my parents use the power to choose their own paths in life and just how much more fulfilled they were from it.  Having control of my own time has always been a priority for me and owning my own business has given me a greater power to choose how I use that time.  I will say that being raised in this environment and having support for entrepreneurship has given me a bit of an advantage, so to quote Lauren: “a shout out to those two awesome people!”

A Positive Mind-Set

“Some of us were born with a glass-half-full mentality, and some of us aren’t, but all of us have the ability to shift into a positive mind-set.” (p. 128)  

I think I was one of those people who was born happy.  I always try to see the best in everything, even things that really suck.    This isn’t to say that I’m just a beaming ray of sunshine all the time – that’s ludicrous.  I’ve had my share of stumbles and heartbreaks, but there is always something in the pit of my belly forcing me to press on and look for the silver lining.  “If the option to quit is eliminated, persistence is the default.  Just eliminate quitting as an option.” (p. 182)

I think this stems from my parents teaching me that anything was possible if you hard enough for it.  They also taught me perseverance and the power of positive thinking, both topics that are discussed in this book.  I’m not saying this is always easy – you don’t have to persevere if things are easy.  “Perseverance isn’t just about accomplishing something new; it’s about making the life you have even more extraordinary.” (p. 185)

My “shoot for the stars” view of life was often met with criticism from others and one example that stands out to me is that of my Grade 12 English teacher.  He found my world view to be full of naïvety, and perhaps it was a bit naïve at the time (although I was 17, so that had to play into it a little bit), but it was one of the first times in my life that someone had told me that I was just like everyone else – that no matter what I dreamed of, I would wind up ordinary, in an ordinary job, living an ordinary life, dying an ordinary death.  I knew right then and there that Mr. Dream Crusher English Teacher wasn’t going to be right.  Ordinary just wasn’t good enough for me.  Thankfully, after graduation I’ve never had to interact with that English teacher again, but he certainly wasn’t the first and hasn’t been and won’t be the last to do this.

Telling me that I’m going to fall on my face isn’t going to discourage me because “being an occasional loser at something is actually a good thing!  When you are at risk of losing, you know you are competing at the right level, a level of true challenge.” (p. 168)

Since starting Styled to Sparkle, I have faced a lot of criticism, skepticism and judgement from people, many of those were close to me, and many of those family.  Maybe you’ve experienced that in your career/life choices, too.  I think we all have to some extent.  Random haters don’t bother me, but when it’s those closest to you, it can really sting.  If I’m being honest, sting doesn’t even begin to cover the feelings that I’ve felt over the last year or more and I’ll discuss how this book helped and continues to help me with this.   Even though some parts of my life have been cruddy, I try to focus on the overwhelming outpouring of support from wonderful and unsuspecting places.  I’ve been able to connect and reconnect with some really amazing people.

My Takeaways From This Book

Here’s what I’ve learned and what I’ve gathered from this book that has helped me on my journey thus far.  I hope that these takeaways will be helpful to you.  I’d love to hear your takeaways from your reading, too!

#1: “Be inspired by the greatness in others, but don’t let noticing it lessen your appreciation for what you have or make you feel less.” (p. 132)  

This statement is two-fold for me.  I’ve always viewed the achievements of others as inspiring – if they can do it, I can do it, too – they’ve just proved that it’s possible!  The other portion of this is the importance of gratitude and that is highlighted in this book as part of being extraordinary.  I feel like if you are never grateful for what you have, nothing will ever be good enough.  I’ve also never viewed working harder or striving for more or better to be a sign of lack of gratitude.  I’m thankful for how far I’ve come and the tools that my journey has given me to press on and continue to lead an extraordinary life.  A life that I am truly blessed to be living.

#2:  “The people we surround ourselves with can either help us or hinder us on our journey.  But when we consciously choose to surround ourselves with positive people who lift us up, instead of dragging us down, we triple our chances for creating extraordinary lives.” (p. 136)

This is a big one.  I’ve found that the more I interact with people who are happy, living their own extraordinary lives, the more confident I feel pursuing my dreams and living my extraordinary life.  Each of the contributors at Styled to Sparkle are living wonderful and extraordinary lives – each with different journeys and goals.  They’re all unique in their own way and that is what makes them, and Styled to Sparkle, special.  Our versions of extraordinary may be different, but our goal of being happy is the same. Surrounding myself with these men and women has brought so much joy to my life in ways that I couldn’t have ever imagined.

#3: “I had to let go of my concern about how the rest of the world would view my journey in order to pursue ideas I couldn’t let go of.” (p.85)

This statement is so profound to me.  Jessica Herrin’s drive to start a business while pregnant with her first child would seem ludicrous to some.  The timing wasn’t what many would call ideal and she says that “sometimes lone eagles can be confused with loony birds” and that is very true.  She didn’t let what other people thought of her choices dictate how she lived her life as she goes on to say “Don’t just keep doing what you’re doing without questioning it or you’ll end up living someone else’s life.” (p. 86).  We really do only get one shot at life and living the version of it that someone else wants for you will only cause resentment, guilt and unhappiness.  “As [her] sister, Julie, once said to [her], in a way that only a sibling can, ‘Don’t expect other people to want to do what you do.  You’re the one that’s weird.‘” (p. 8)  Is straying from a ‘traditional’ life make you a weirdo?  Most would say “yes” but I would say that it’s your life and no one else can live it for you.

#4: “You have to distance yourself from those who hold you back…I’m talking about not discussing your new venture with a person who seems to find fault in much of what you do.” (p. 150)

I’ve found that there are certain people in my world who have been supportive of my ventures and those who have not.  Like I’ve already mentioned, support and love has come from some unlikely places, and lack thereof from some unfortunate places, too.  It’s not to say that the naysayers are bad people, but I just choose not to share my vision or excitement about my business or big life events with them.  I know what I want and where I’m going – I don’t need to be told I can’t do it by someone whose opinion means very little to my life.  I’d rather share it with those who want to share my joy and excitement.

Again, this is not easy.  Especially for me.  Here’s why:

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I always have.  What I’m thinking is always written all over my face (I can’t fake it) and I’m an open book.  I’m also a very excitable person (think Kristen Wiig’s “Sue Loves Surprises” tempered with a dash of Leslie Knope).  It’s hard to hold back sharing the excitement you have for your project, especially with those who are closest to you.  You’d hope that your joy would be their joy, that they would believe in you and trust your judgement, but that isn’t always the case.  Their “I know best” attitudes and different (and often outdated) paradigms don’t always lend themselves to being supportive when required.  I always hope that my joy and excitement will be contagious, but with some, that will never be the case.

#5: “The reactions of your well-intended but perhaps outspoken mother or mother-in-law might be shaped by attitudes no longer shared by our generation.  But you can’t let your choices be shaped by the outdated notions of generations past; instead you need to look forward toward the definition of success that fits your happiness.” (p. 248)

I have found this to be all too true.  I think judgement from family and older generations is  often the hardest to swallow.  After all, these are some of the people who are closest to us, whose opinions and approval we value/seek and those we like to think know us best.  Whether it is in work or relationships or lifestyle choices, it’s important to respecting these opinions is not the same as living your life according to them.  You have to do what works for you and the life you’re living.

When discussing generational differences, I find that working from home and pursuing a career that is based in the virtual world can be confusing to those of previous generations.  Telecommuting and working from home is often misconstrued as staying home and doing nothing all day while your spouse goes to work in an outside office (trust me, I’ve been accused of this!).  I find that unless you’re commuting to a brick and mortar building, reporting to superiors and hoping for advancement in a company, older generations think your “job” isn’t real (even though the tax man is more than happy to tell you otherwise!).  Without a tangible product to sell or a traditional career (i.e. doctor, teacher, nurse, lawyer, plumber), I find older generations just don’t get it or see the value in what you do.

These differences make themselves apparent in more than just career choices. There are the questions like “why did you get married if you don’t have kids?” or “why don’t you have kids yet?” that often comes from older generations, too.  “Why would you pursue a business when you should be focussing on starting a family?”  Questions that are never (or seldom) asked of men, I assure you.  It’s also hard to deal when said questions turn from passive aggressive comments to full on opinions by which you are expected to live your life.  The expectation of raising children, keeping a tidy house, being an all-star wife, working 9 to 5 and having a meal (from scratch!) on the table by 6pm is antiquated, but nonetheless, it’s an expectation that most women (including myself) face from elder relatives on a constant basis.  Maybe you can do it all and maybe you like to, but I don’t want to.  I know I can, but I won’t.

How do I mange these expectations – a.k.a. my own guilt and sometimes feelings of inadequacy?  I (very) often re-read these passages:

“…I do a lot every day, every week, but I don’t do it all.  I do only what matters, and what I love,  And I don’t regret it or feel guilty about it either.  Why?  Regret and guilt are among the most futile of emotions – and a terrible waste of time.” (p. 210)

“Remember: no one can have it all, or do it all.  Who would want to anyway?  Being extraordinary isn’t about doing it all; it’s about doing what truly matters to you – guilt-free.  Only when you give up the guilt can you finally find your true path to success, to happiness, to extraordinary.  It’s like landing on the moon: one huge step for womankind.” (p. 238).

Striking a balance of household responsibilities can be difficult in some relationships, but I’m happy to say it was never difficult in mine.  My Mom always said “It doesn’t matter who does the stuff, as long as it gets done and everyone is happy”, meaning that however you choose to balance the tasks, as long as no one feels like they are unfairly carrying the load, things will be fine. But then again, I was fortunate enough to be raised in a non-traditional household.

“…We’ll all be much better off when we learn not to internalize the judgement of others, real or imaginary.” (p. 246)  This one is the hardest for me but I have to remember that “You make trade-offs.  And you let go of any guilt about the choices you do make…Being able to master your life means being able to quiet all the noise that comes with the draining, worthless, false beliefs of inadequacy.  When you reclaim the time you used to spend worrying abut not doing it all or pleasing everyone, you can repurpose your time and energy toward accomplishing what you need to do to create the extraordinary life you want.” (p. 193)

“Everyone gets the same twenty-four hours in a day, seven days in a week, and fifty-two weeks in a year!” (p. 198)  How will you use yours?

Conclusions

Enjoying The Journey

Now, am I exactly where I want to be yet?  Of course not!  But what I do know is that I love where I am in the journey.  I don’t expect overnight success or for things to fall in my lap or that one day I’ll just get lucky.  “I find it to be true that the harder you work, the luckier you get.” (p. 5)  This is very true and it continues to be true.  I’m trying to enjoy the moment and each thing as it comes.

“Use your passion to keep yourself honest: Are you fulfilled?  Do you need something more?  These are bold questions to ask.  Don’t be afraid to come up with bold answers.  It’s never too late to pursue what you don’t know and what you passionately want.” (p. 85).

Making bold changes in your life is not easy, as I’ve discussed here, but nothing worth having ever came easy.  I firmly believe that.

Maybe you’re in a career that you don’t love and maybe this isn’t the first time you’ve moved on to something else.  “IF YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT YOU’RE DOING, JUST FIX IT.  WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?  GO DO SOMETHING YOU LIKE.” (p. 143)  I’m 32 and I have tried many different things in my life.  I’ve always worked hard and given it my all whether I was babysitting, singing, accounting, recruiting, you name it!  Most of my careers weren’t things I was going to be passionate about long-term but I did like them at the time (for the most part), and they were all stepping stones to where I am now and where I’m going.  I’ve taken something from every job I’ve had and been able to apply it to this one.

Some have viewed my non-traditional career path to be confusing or even, hmm, disorderly?  I’ve never taken the ‘safe’ path.  I’ve more often chosen a role I could grow into rather than one for which I had all of the qualifications because I needed the challenge.  I’ve gained so much from this and it has helped me to find success in many areas of my life.

“Oscar Wilde once said, ‘Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.'” (p. 147)

I couldn’t agree more.  The only quote I remember from the movie American Beauty is when Mena Suvari’s character says that “there isn’t anything worse than being ordinary” and that’s stuck with me since I was a teen.  I was destined for more and needed to find a partner that agreed with me and felt he was destined for more, too.  I was not only searching for extraordinary for myself but in a partner and our life together.  I married an entrepreneur (sometimes loons travel in packs!) and we knew right away that the other just “got it”.

Here’s something you might not know…a couple of years ago, I was trying to decide whether to continue to pursue a career in recruitment or start something that I could take ownership of, something that was truly mine, something I was passionate about.   It was then that my husband put forth the idea of Styled to Sparkle (not the name, but you know, the concept).  He told me to leave my job because it wasn’t fulfilling and he knew it wasn’t something that I was passionate about.  He believed in my ideas, believed that I could build a brand and that it was something we could do together.  He told me that I had something different, something special and that what I had to offer was something that could be a success.  You just can’t buy that kind of love.

 

There are so many more things that I took from this book that I haven’t shared here.  I could probably write a book close to the length of Find Your Extraordinary itself of just my own responses to her writing (this editorial is a very mere snippet, I assure you I did not quote the entire book here despite what it looks like!).  I hope that you, too, can find your own extraordinary and live the life that you want and truly deserve.